Wiley James.
Hello Wiley James,
You’re here! Well, it’s been a little over one week. I sit here staring at your sweet face and still haven’t accepted how the whole baby thing works, that THIS is what was inside of me the past 9 months. And all of the things they say to you about being a mom — the connection, the hormones that kick in after birth — all happened. I look at you and an incredible feeling of care and love overwhelms me and making sure everything in the world is right for you in these beginning stages of life. To think you have only been with us for 8 days but I can’t imagine you not being here. Your dad has been so helpful and sweet with you, it really makes my life complete.
Basically, your birth story is pretty anticlimactic (sorry). I had been up Thursday night with contractions that were definitely the strongest I have ever felt, however I tend to second guess everything and assume there must be a worse pain than this. It was hurting, but it was tolerable. I then noticed they weren’t stopping. At about 3:30am, I started timing them. They were about 5 minutes apart lasting about 1 minute. I debate back and forth waking your dad. The weather all week had been balmy — some days up in the lower 50’s. Very unusual for January. Overnight we were to get a snow storm — temperatures dropping into the 20’s, slight dusting of snow. I think this was in the back of my mind — I don’t want to be stuck in my house or deliver you in the car because we couldn’t make it out to the hospital. So I woke up Rich and said we should probably head out. I grab a granola bar, sort of in a daze of ‘They will probably just send me home, don’t call Mom yet, maybe he will be here today!’ all at once.
We get to the hospital right at 5am. I hobble inside as Rich parks the car. We find a nurse and I casually mention, “So, I think that I am in labor…” It was a pretty funny moment because I found it so weird to say out loud. Again, still in this daze and uncertainty that you were going to be here. She puts us in a room and hooks me up to a monitor to watch my contractions and your heartbeat, and then would check to see how far dilated I was. After 4 hours, they decided to admit me. The doctor looked at me and said, “Let’s have this baby today!”
We call our parents, alert friends, and get settled in to the delivery room. This is where time stood still, or rather my cervix did. You were taking your sweet time in coming out. My sister and brother got there and the waiting game commenced. Finally the doctor broke my water and I got an epidural. Man, you do not feel a thing with those.
You decided to come into this world finally at 11:13pm. I only had a to push a few times and you were out! The doctor put you on my lap and I was in so much shock I didn’t know how to react. I was so happy, nervous, surprised — basically any intense emotion you could feel. It was nothing how I thought it would be — which isn’t a bad thing. I really had no idea. I sat up and stared at you after we got back to our room, still in awe that you came out of me. It’s a very intense feeling to feel, bringing a life into this world. I have a lot of responsibility now. I hope I live up to this challenge.
Now that it has been a week, there is so many memories that have been made. Here are a few lists of things that I want to remember and want you to know:
Favorite memories:
- Rich’s reaction to you being set on my chest — the look in his eyes was something new and very special that only you could have brought out of him.
- Rich holding and talking to you — singing to you by changing words in songs to your name — his conversations he has with you where he makes you reply is so funny and sweet.
- Your little noises you make — they are all so cute and tiny and my heart melts at every one.
- When you finally kept your eyes open for more than a blink — seeing you look around and trying to focus was so special.
- Nursing you — I never thought I could feel more connected to you but it’s a very special time for me with you.
Favorite Items of the past week:
- Giant pads and mesh underwear from the hospital — wowzers.
- Motrin
- Boppy pillow
- Pacifier
- Button down shirts
Things that have surprised me:
- Breastfeeding — how easy and how hard it is. It’s overwhelming and knowing I have to be on a strict schedule is slightly scary but I’m glad that I have that structure and am getting a system down. I lucked out with you and you are a natural feeder though!
- How hard recovery is — I am just now beginning to feel pretty good. I’m still sore, and was surprised at how sore I was the first few days. I wanted so bad to be able to walk around but I had to basically stay in bed for 2 days straight letting my body heal.
- How intense my love for you is and I just met you. I’ve gotten to know you the past 9 months, but to actually see you — again, I just can’t believe it.
- How scary it is at times — I almost didn’t want to leave the hospital, I couldn’t believe they were letting us take you home without any sort of test. And that first night was rough — I had no idea what I was doing. But, I started figuring out a schedule, and you went right along with it. It was a small victory, but it made me feel a lot more confident that you will turn out okay. :)
- Getting comfortable holding you by not feeling like I am going to break you. You are a fragile one, little man, but you are strong. You are a mover. Very active — I hope this translates into your life in some sort of way of the energy you have.
- How much more I love your dad and feel closer to him now, because we made you and I will always have this connection to him through you.
We love you very much, Wiley. Thank you for making us a family.
38 Weeks
Hello, Little One.
Or should I say Wild One? Your Pops and I are SO EXCITED to meet you!! I’m borderline going crazy, noticing every movement and pain and questioning whether now is the time you are going to make us a family. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind — after a long, drawn out doctor’s appointment yesterday, I am 4-5cm dilated and 90% effaced. I had to see another doctor as mine was in emergency surgery — he was surprised how far along I was. “You could go any time!” he exclaims. “Yes, I am a walking time bomb,” I sort of laugh in reply. I’ve had to stop thinking about it otherwise I won’t get any sleep.
A lot of people have asked me if I have enjoyed my pregnancy. There are many moms who LOVED being pregnant. I’m not going to lie to you, kiddo, it’s not been all roses and fairy tales. I didn’t necessarily hate it, but it’s definitely a trying time, physically, mentally, and above all, emotionally. I know once I get to hold you and we get to hang out together I will realize it was completely worth it, but your feet shoved into my ribs is really killer, dude. I’ll try not to ground you the second I see you.
I’m finishing up decorating your room — I hope you like it. It’s intense to think this stuff could be some of your first memories. When I think back to my first memories and my bedroom with the toys and books, it is very special to me. I’m trying not to overdo it with a theme though, because I want it to be YOUR room and what you want to become, not what we want you to be or to like.
I’m counting the days until I see you — literally. If you don’t come on your own, I’m being induced on Tuesday — 5 days away! I hope you come naturally, so if you decide in the next couple of days to come out, that would be great. Just give me some time to get to the hospital is all I ask.
See you soon!!!!
Love,
Mama
36 weeks.
Hello Little One,
I seemed to have fallen out of the letters to you, but in no way have I not constantly had you on my mind. What an experience you have given me. I went to the doctor this morning to find out I am 3-4cm dilated and 80% effaced. She was very excited, which in turn made me realize, “Holy crap, you are almost here!” Since I have last written, we have moved into a new house, had a couple of baby showers where people have been trying to guess your name and bought you a lot of guitar-themed outfits (the fortunate/unfortunate thing of having a musician for a father) and celebrated a few holidays. I had a bit of an overwhelming feeling this week now that Christmas is over, now there is nothing to distract me from you finally arriving!
I’ve been very fortunate as you have been a wonderful being inside of me — you have given me a few sleepless nights with the rib kicking (we will talk about this once you are in the world) but for the most part a breeze. I can only hope this will continue through the labor and the beginnings of raising you.
See you soon!
Love,
Mama
“In order of importance: 1.Self, 2. Marriage, 3. Child. Of course all are as important as each other, but neglecting the one before is a disservice to the one after.”
Snakes, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails.
Hello, Little One - or should I say Little Guy?
You are a boy! A sweet, adorable baby boy. We are over the moon about it. It feels so much better being able to call you a ‘he’ now. I feel so much more connected to you, especially after seeing you squirm around during the ultrasound.
You were so cute on that screen. We had a different lady this time who was so very nice and explained what everything was and what was going on. The minute she placed the sensor on my belly and made a sort of startled noise, ‘Oh! So are you wanting to know what the sex is?’ I knew right away you were a boy. I know your papa was so very excited. She began taking photos and measurements and moving around and all I could do a couple times was just laugh, I was just so happy. I had to contain it as it would make the picture jump all around though. Talk about restrain! :)
Your father and I walked out hand in hand and I couldn’t stop smiling. Everything was different from that point on. Now I had images in my head. You became so much more now that we knew. I got back into work and ordered your first clothes - a mountain bike themed onesie and a wooden guitar rattle. Very appropriate for being your Father’s Son. I can’t wait for you to be here - to take you on adventures and fun outings and not be afraid to try new things. Your dad and I like to take spur of the moment trips, and I want to be able to still do those, to incorporate you into those. I want you to look back on your life and say, “Man, I had a fun childhood.”
We are halfway through! It has really flown by. Baby showers, figuring out your nursery situation, and getting ourselves mentally ready has started to happen. And, unlike wedding planning, which was very stressful, I am so excited to get this all planned out for you.
Love,
Mama
Hindsight.
Hello Little One,
We hit the 18 week mark this week. I realized the last time I wrote to you was 7 weeks ago, when I couldn’t get over the fact you were the size of a lime. This week, you are a green pepper. I almost chuckle now at my shock of you being something that was only a couple of inches long. And, I have definitely prepared myself for realizing that you are just going to get bigger. I was telling my mom a couple of weeks ago how I am beginning to feel really big; she sort of laughed at me and replied with “Oh, you JUST WAIT.” I know, I know, but let me be continually be surprised! Geesh.
I had this realization with now almost halfway through this pregnancy (no turning back now!) to somehow explain to my non-preggo childless friends that it is sort of like getting married. You have this grand idea of how it is going to be, then when you do become engaged and start planning the wedding, you begin to get all this advice from already married people. You listen intently, somewhat calmed by the “Some things won’t happen, but they won’t matter that day, everything will be fine.” However, in the moment, as things start to happen and not happen, your nerves get to you. All advice is out the window. Then the big day comes, and - surprise - everyone was right. It’s the best day and whatever didn’t end up working out, it didn’t matter. My point being that until you actually go through it yourself, you can read all the books and check all the blogs and listen to friends talk, but it doesn’t mean anything. You have to experience it yourself.
And how does this affect you, Little One? I hope that as you grow I let you experience things on your own. My mom was very explanatory of things, making sure I knew everything that was going to happen, which maybe wasn’t the best sometimes. I hope if you ask what the ocean looks like, we can take you there. I will never tell you you can’t do anything, or you can’t be something. You will always have my support and love.
Love,
Mama
dearbaby:
(Photo:Everly is always reaching for Arlo’s hand)
What am I doing?
The truth is, I ask myself that on a regular basis. What am I doing? Am I making the right choices? Am I not doing enough? Am I doing too much?
Becoming a parent has shifted every facet of my life. The way I think, the goals I have for myself, the decisions I make, my definition of happiness… all of these things and more have taken on a completely different viewpoint since Brent and I became parents.
But the fear and doubt and survival mode that comes with managing the day in and day out experience of caring for two small children, and my marriage, a home, and a career has gotten the best of me sometimes.There have been moments when I have found myself wondering what age will they be able to feed and clothe themselves and when, if ever, will I sleep again.
My Aunt Cathy, a mother of four, shared a story with me recently that I have thought about nearly every day since. She told me about a camping trip with her three youngest boys. The children were arguing with one another, she was trying to get the campsite settled and prepare dinner at the same time. She felt frazzled and stressed out and was barely enjoying this supposedly “fun” outing they had planned for their family. Across the way was a campsite with three older women. At some point, my aunt and one of the ladies crossed paths. The women looked at my aunt and said to her “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but one day you will look back and realize these are the best days of your life.”
“It’s frightening at times to think that you are shaping someone’s life and who they will become. Often I hear Ruby using one of my expressions, or doing an unfortunate dance move that she learned from me and I’m reminded that she is a sponge, taking it all in, and each moment big or small molds who she is. I used to catch myself when I sounded or acted like my mother—singing off-key definitely comes from her, we’re both a bit tone-deaf—but now I love it. I am my mother’s daughter, and Ruby is all mine.”
From The Glow
I absolutely love this song/video done by a blogger that I follow. I can’t wait to play this song for my little one.
Children Play Best
I read this and wanted to bookmark for future reference.
children play best…
when adults are watchful but not instructive.
when their trust in life is whole, when they welcome the unknown and are fearless.
when the world is shared with them. when there are places and spaces they can make their own.
when the games are free of adult agenda and when their transformations require no end product.
when their senses are directly engaged with nature and the elements.
when they can reveal themselves, their joys, sufferings and concerns, without fear of ridicule and when mystery and imagination are not defined by fact.
(via The Littlest)
